"I rock a lot of polka dots!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFKCOr8TtYY

Barbie girls understand. The quote from the end was priceless: "I'm about to pay my $800 ticket and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!"
Oh, how I love Jess.

6 Reasons Why Cheaters Cheat

My intention is for this blog to piggyback on another blog I read recently.  Not as a rebuttal, but just from a woman’s point of view. Here is the post I’m referring to:

http://www.lowladee.com/?p=4356

I want to begin by clarifying that I do not believe that cheating is a custom that men are more prone to.  I don’t know what is true.  In doing some online research, I could find varying statistics based on multiple surveys and study groups and the numbers bounced all over the charts as far as percentages of women vs. men who cheat and the reasons why.  But this is my blog and I’m going to tell you what I think.  I’m not going to focus on why MEN cheat but rather on the things that lead to infidelity by either partner.  I’m sure infidelity occurs in gay partnerships, too, so blaming a certain sex for being more prolific at cheating is ridiculous.  I’m going to talk about why people cheat.

1)  The first reason that comes to mind is that people are in relationships but they are not in love.  I think that in our society, the definition of real love has become vague and distorted.  Many couples get married very young and don’t know how to identify real love.  It becomes more and more difficult to differentiate love from good sex when nowadays so much emphasis is put on the two being one and the same.  Some of us who have been married know that real love requires a crazy amount of patience and sacrifice and forgiveness.  What it takes to hold a relationship together even when our partner stops being ‘sexy’, (whether it’s for an hour, a day or a really, really long time) is totally selfless, unconditional love.  That is no easy feat for anybody except Jesus.  Many couples simply don’t realize until the really tough stuff comes along that they don’t love each other enough to sacrifice that much for each other.  They were really into the idea of being married without understanding what it was really going to entail.  The dizzy, mind-blowing romance and quickened heartbeats become real-life trials and the foundation of the marriage becomes so shaky that it no longer holds up in the face of temptation. Another kind of relationship that falls short of true love is the kind where two people end up getting married because it’s the ‘next logical step’ in a long-term relationship.  Maybe it has lasted a long time because it has become comfortable and there’s a certain amount of security they have come to rely on.  But in a marriage like that, it’s going to be difficult for one to NOT become consumed and obsessed when something comes along that lights the heart and soul on fire.  It’s going to be difficult to continue asking one’s self, “Is this as good as it gets?”  They’re still going to be looking for something better whether they realize it or not. So, real love.  It doesn’t come along every day.

2)  This leads me to reason number two which is: poor role models.  I mean, really.  I think that when I was growing up I had maybe two friends whose parents were still married (to each other.)  Mine were.  They still are.  But I was in the low numbers, statistically.  I’m really surprised that the traditional marriage vows ‘for better or worse, ‘til death do us part’ hasn’t been replaced with ‘if this doesn’t work out, we will just get divorced.’  So many children have grown up in broken homes and haven’t seen loyal, lasting relationships as the model of marriage, that cheating doesn’t seem like such a serious offense.  It’s almost something that is expected after a certain length of time.  Parents don’t talk to their kids about drugs and sex anymore, let alone what it takes to make a marriage last.  Lack of good role models has promoted the idea that staying married to the same person your whole life is the stuff fairy tales are made of.

3)  The third reason I can think of is that many people suffer from ego and self-esteem issues.  For men and women, many have the need to feel as if they can still conquer.  Because of insecurities, they have to cheat to believe they’re still wanted and desired.  There is also the partner who is presented with too many opportunities and the ego becomes so inflated that passing up on these opportunities starts to seem like an impossible choice.  Point in fact: I have a friend who was a bartender and he was a cute bartender.  He had girls waving their number (and other things) in his face right and left and he cheated right and left.  It took a very forgiving, godly wife who had strict Catholic beliefs about divorce not being an option to get him to wake up and realize that just because it was THERE, didn’t mean he had to HAVE it.  They are now happily married and their lives have changed a lot since then, but in most situations it would have been the end of the marriage.  It’s common practice for people to define themselves by the acceptance of others.  Sad, really.

4) The fourth reason, and possibly the most lame: boredom.  When sex becomes an obligatory routine and couples stop having fun together on a day to day basis, boredom sets in.  Couples lack imagination and don’t make an effort to keep the fire lit and suddenly the excitement of something different is too alluring to resist because they are so sick and tired of what their marriage has become.  The reason why this is the worst excuse for cheating is that if you are bored, you could just stop being so boring.  How hard is it to Google some creative date ideas if you’re too lame to think up your own?  How hard is it to call or text your significant other throughout the day to let them know you’re thinking about them and hint at some really romantic surprise later on?  Send flowers.  If you’re broke, write a poem for them.  Call your spouse and sing the Thermos Bottle song from The Jerk to them.  Just because it’s your spouse doesn’t mean you HAVE to quit dating or wooing each other.  I believe boredom is a choice. 

5) The fifth reason that comes to mind is revenge.  It can be really easy to rationalize doing something rotten to somebody if you think they’ve done something rotten to you.  It doesn’t even have to be revenge for the other one actually cheating, it can be revenge for hurt feelings or resentment because the spouse fails to deliver something the other expects or feels entitled to.  The problem with this modus operandi is that it usually happens at the height of anger and frustration with the other person.  Unless one is a truly vengeful person all the time, which admittedly some people are, a cheater is going to feel really regretful later on upon realizing that what’s been done is irreversible and lowers them to the same level as the offender, or even lower.  This is why vengeance belongs to God alone.  We just weren’t ever intended to deliver it.

6) The sixth reason is kind of at the root of all 5 other reasons. NO ACCOUNTABILITY. The couples who I see remaining loyal to each other long-term, through thick and thin are grounded in their relationship with God.  When cheating on a spouse isn’t illegal or uncommon or even politically incorrect, it leaves people without a real reason NOT to cheat.  When a spouse does not consider that his/her actions are offensive to GOD and there are no serious consequences on the earth for cheating, the offense loses its seriousness.  Society and the media portray extra-marital affairs as part of life.  Wives tolerate and enable husbands who cheat out of fear of rocking the boat.  Excuses like, “I deserve to be happy and he isn’t making me happy” or “She won’t find out and it won’t hurt her” are used to rationalize infidelity.  When I look at the great big stink that is being made from state to state over the legalization of gay marriage, I am appalled that nobody wants to admit that the obvious culprit in the destruction of the institution of marriage today is infidelity.  But are there any legal ramifications for the cheater?  Can spouses take the cheater to court for breach of contract or fraud?  It is not illegal to cheat on your spouse.  It is also unlikely that you will find picketers outside a courthouse advocating for the victims of infidelity (this would include any children involved) and encouraging the judicial system to step in and make cheating even as much as a misdemeanor.  There are thousands of people who wouldn’t consider having sex with an underage partner because of statutory rape charges, but who wouldn’t have any fear of committing adultery.  When cheating stopped being immoral and started to be considered a simple, excusable  mistake, marriages and families started falling apart at record speed.  Do I think there will be an awakening and a change in the world?  No.  Biblical prophecy is that society and its morals will continue to decline and decay until Jesus comes again.  But as individuals, we have a choice to fall with the masses or rise like cream to the top with the small number of people who put their spouses before themselves and continue to love, honor and cherish…’til death do they part.

Song of Songs 2:2-6

He

² Like a lily among thorns
is my darling among the young women.

She

³ Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
is my beloved among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
⁴ Let him lead me to the banquet hall,
and let his banner over me be love.
⁵ Strengthen me with raisins,
refresh me with apples,
for I am faint with love.
⁶ His left arm is under my head,
and his right arm embraces me.

Radical

Because of the subject matter of this blog entry, I considered changing the title of my blog.  I’m not going to.  Its conception was the inspiration for me to begin examining life in this country for a woman like me.  I believe anything I write will follow this vein.  But for the sake of understanding, Jesus is my spirit guide.  Let me tell you about where that has led my thinking.

Some time ago, probably a little over 2 years ago, I made friends online with Kazeem, a guy from Nigeria. That in itself is a whole different story, but let me just say that our friendship grew in a really cool way.  I was exposed to a new culture in a very personal way with a teacher and guide who really opened my eyes to his country.  In the process, I made several friends in Nigeria because you know how it is on Facebook….the friends begat more friends and so on.  Over this time, my heart has grown more and more for Nigeria.  I have spent hours combing the internet for articles and press releases, history and socio-economic information, political and religious commentary and studies of the tribes that comprise Nigeria’s population. And the music! The music makes me deliriously happy.  I’m a total music junkie as it is, and a whole new world of sound opened up for me when I got hungry for Nigerian music. I realized after awhile that I really have a heart for these people.  I’ve seen some things I envy and I’ve learned that I take a lot for granted.  I don’t want to take things for granted anymore.  I try to catch myself these days when I find myself whining with entitlement issues because I am being deprived of a luxury that some people manage to live without day in and day out.    It hasn’t taken long for me to swallow enough information to start feeling like Nigeria was part of my fabric.  Which is crazy for a career-oriented single (white) mom in Arizona, isn’t it?  I thought it was crazy enough to ask God why He was laying Nigeria so heavily on my heart.

I became anxious for an opportunity to visit Nigeria and to serve the people in some way.  I don’t mean in a super hero “I’m out to change the world” kind of way, but in a “help the face God puts in front of me today” way.   So, I prayed.  I spent a couple of hours on the internet searching for short-term missions to Nigeria and found an opportunity to go with Caribbean Lifetime Missions to an orphanage outside of Lagos this coming August.  It sounds perfect.  It sounds like something I would love to do.  So, I went to talk to the missions leader at my church.  We talked for about an hour and he encouraged me to pray for a couple of months, sincerely, for confirmation from God that this is something I should go and do.  He told me that because I have dear friends in Nigeria, I could be emotionally connecting and feeling drawn and I should be sure that the timing and the plan are God’s perfect timing and plans.  He gave me a really good book to read, too, called Radical by David Platt and I’m starting to see life differently as a Christian.  I risk falling into contentment with my average little life if I don’t get out of this place and bring some love to the unloved and show the face of Christ to people who are oppressed and unaware of the love and peace that I have come to know.  I have come to know it and that is not enough for me.

“But then I realize there is never going to be a day when I stand before God and He looks at me and says, 'I wish you would have kept more for yourself.' I'm confident that God will take care of me.”
― David Platt, Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream

 If after 2 months of prayer, I feel led to serve in Nigeria RIGHT NOW, I will go back and talk to the missions leader again and start talking about fundraising for the $3,500-$4,000 I will need to raise to make it happen.

For the past few years, I haven’t exactly spent a lot of time looking at my life like it was a hunky-dory, pretty picture of the American dream.  I’m not looking for trials because I feel spoiled.  The man I love has been imprisoned for a crime he did not commit.  This has not been an easy trial to endure as I wait the four years for his freedom. While my heart breaks every time I walk away from visitation once a month, my spirit has strengthened in this process.  I have seen God work in my life in a way I never would have seen if I had not chosen this path.  I have had to draw closer to Him in my loneliness and the pain at watching my fiance’ endure these years behind bars. Every time I’ve cried out, He has drawn me near and surrounded me with loving friends and family who are supportive and never let me feel really alone.  Now, my child is a teenager and that itself brings a whole new stress level to my role as his mother.  But I am seeing the Lord work in his life, too, as he struggles with the choices he has to make and as he is pulled more and more toward the world and away from a walk with Christ. I know he is destined to experience all the same kinds of painful trials that finally brought me to a realization that I needed a savior.  I have prayed and prayed that I would not protect him too much because it looks like he is going to make some mistakes and suffer some consequences before he gets to a point of sufficient humility. I just have to have faith in what I have already done to teach him and hope he gets wise before he’s destroyed.  Does every mother have to come to terms with the same?  Probably.

Every experience in the past 5 years from divorce to bankruptcy and foreclosure, unemployment, financial struggles due to expensive traffic violations & medical bills, a long prison term for the one I love – every experience has strengthened the fiber between me and God.  I have realized that He is going to allow me to suffer, but not be destroyed.  When the trials come now, I have learned to go straight to my knees and ask God what He is going to do in my life now that I’ve given it to Him and rely on Him to preserve it.  And He never fails me.  So, while I know my life has its own troubles, I have really seen that the condition we Americans are in is still far better than the condition some of the citizens of the world are in every single day.  I’m not so steeped in American apathy that I don’t see that there is a whole world out there in pain, outside my door and across the globe. When I hear somebody crying about their internet service being slow or the long line at the grocery store or the gas pump I want to tell them to quit complaining and go buy something else… because they can, and they most likely will.

I’m going to be praying for Nigeria.  I am going to be praying that the Lord will make it known to me if He wants me to go and serve there.  I am going to have faith that if the doors open, it’s His will and that if they don’t, I am meant to be a loyal friend and prayer warrior for the people in Nigeria.  Maybe God’s will is for me and my sweetheart to spend some years in ministry together someday and His perfect timing is just not now.  I am prepared to accept any answer He gives me and I know He will answer me.  Even if I don’t leave the country any time soon, I have begun to think about living a life that makes a mark on this crazy world.  I told my friend, Kazeem, “If I go and spend a week with those kids in that orphanage, I will fall in love with them and cry when I have to leave.”  He answered me, “Yes, you will. But you could make a difference that could last their whole life.”  

The measure of a life, after all, is not its duration, but its donation.  - Corrie Ten Boom

An Open Letter To My Ex - continued

The birthday present wasn't that great. Thou hast failed to redeem thyself.

An Open Letter To My Ex

Husband #2:

Today you sent me a text message: Address please
I replied with my address.
You: I'm right around the corner
!!!!!!!
My heart dropped and began to pound right out of my chest. My hands were shaking.  I thought I was going to throw up. So I dialed your number.

"What do you mean, you're right around the corner?" I exclaimed, my voice shaky, nearly breaking.
"Ha, ha ha," you said. "I'm just sending you a late birthday present."
"That isn't funny! I just almost puked in my trash can" I said.
"Oh, then it WAS funny!" you replied, laughing still. LAUGHING.  At my pain!

I hung up. I couldn't stop shaking and I started to cry. It really wasn't funny. Do you not realize what you did to me? Do you STILL not realize, after all the times I've explained to you that you DEVASTATED me when you left me for another woman?  My daily attempt at forgiveness is a concerted effort on my part and if I were to see you again, I would need days of mental preparation just to be able to deal with being in your presence while the memory of the pain and shock and anger came to the surface again, making me feel worthless and discarded all over again.  Why do you laugh when I express to you that it wasn't a funny joke and I do not ever want to be surprised like that?  Why is your betrayal and infidelity so far removed from your awareness that you don't realize that jokes like that are completely lost on me?  What kind of reaction did you really expect?

I dragged a friend and confidant into my office to cry on and he just shook his head and looked disgusted, that someone who already (practically, and for awhile) ruined my life and tore down any semblance of self-esteem I had would stoop so low as to stab me in the back again.  You seem to be the only one who thought it was funny.

You just don't get it and it's apparent that you never will.  You can't do that kind of damage and expect for me to ever laugh about it.  In trying to leave the pain behind, keeping you in my life in any form just makes it harder.  Still, I am trying to forgive.  But don't expect me to forget.

However, I am a Barbie girl.  I can re-invent myself and be better off in the end.  I can fly my pink, sparkly flag and I no longer care if you love and appreciate me.  I can create a new world and a new life where I surround myself with people who build me up instead of tear me down.  But can you take it easy on me?  Haven't you caused enough pain?  You better be sending me a really nice present.

Sincerely,
The One You Threw Away

My ideal man

I was asked to compile a list of pre-requisites for my ideal man.  I guess my Blogger friend wanted a woman’s point of view on the subject for his own Blog.  I decided to re-post it here, although I must give him credit as my muse.  He really got me thinking.  I can only speak for myself, but I have been married twice and I have about 25 years’ worth of relationship experience to reflect on and I have learned a thing or two about what I do and do not want.  Here is what I require:

First of all, we must have the same beliefs about God, life and the reason why we are here.  There are just too many instances in life when these beliefs dictate our actions and to disagree on such heavy matters can only cause dissention. From the way one treats his neighbor to the way one decides not to stress about the challenges in life; faith is a determining factor in how we behave.

Second, I prefer someone of a diverse cultural background. The differences are more interesting to me and I find men of color more aesthetically & sexually attractive.  I have long given up on analyzing why, it is simply my preference. Besides, my experiences with men of my own race and cultural background have made me grow tired. I want a man who enhances my life, not a man who sucks me dry because he is so empty to begin with.

He must love music and he must have an open mind as well as his own passionate love for what moves him. In this department, the diversity factor is truly engaging for me.

One quality that is a priority to me is intelligence. I hate having to dumb down for a man.  I am very socially aware and much keyed in to pop culture.  I like to be able to converse about current events without having to explain too much.  I especially like to be able to use all of my extensive vocabulary without getting a blank stare because the word I just used was just too big with too many syllables.  I want a man who knows who I am referring to when I mention Steinbeck, Maya Angelou, Sinead O’Connor or Lil Wayne.

I don’t care if he loves animals.  This is irrelevant to me.  Compassion for life is essential, but if he sends 10% of his paycheck to PETA, we are going to have a problem.  The same goes for environmentalists.  There are people starving and suffering in this world and money spent on saving the trees or the Mexican Gray Wolf is money wasted, in my opinion. I would rather save one baby from starvation than rescue an entire rain forest.  If human life is what the Lord laid down his life for, then that is an indication to me that God places a priority on saving His children, so this comes back to item one: Mutual faith in the same God.

He needs to be clean. I’m not obsessive-compulsive about cleanliness, but if I see a man who doesn’t take care of himself, his clothes, his home or his vehicle, I see a man who simply doesn’t know how to take care of things.  I like order.  It keeps things uncomplicated, it saves money, it’s healthier and quite honestly, it’s sexy.  Basically, if you want it to be kissed, wash it.  I don’t want to get near it if it smells bad, be it your house, your body or your car.  If you want me to be able to live in it, I better be able to walk barefoot through it without hurting myself or grossing out.  I have a sign on my refrigerator – the same one my mother had on hers when I was growing up. It reads: MY HOUSE IS CLEAN ENOUGH TO BE HEALTHY, DIRTY ENOUGH TO BE HAPPY. Words to live by.

He’s gotta like kids.  Even if he doesn’t want to have any, he’s gotta be impressed by how funny and cute and innocent they are.  I think the reason our Maker gave us the power to create life and sustain it is because children are some of the best teachers we will ever have.  I never knew my capacity to love until I bore a child. I never knew unconditional love directed at me until I saw the love in the eyes of my baby as he looked at me and smiled while he breast fed, milk-faced and darling.  He doesn’t remember loving me then, but he loves me still.  And if a man thinks that children have nothing to contribute to his life, there is something cold and dead and damaged inside of him that is going to get in the way eventually.

Last, he must be able to achieve that delicate balance between sensitivity and masculinity.  He has to be able to be ‘all man’ while still being comfortable with normal, human qualities like sadness, elation and humility.  I don’t ever want to think that if it weren’t for me, my man would simply be unable to manage.  Need me, but handle things without me if need be.

So there you have it.  These are qualities that a man either has, or he hasn’t.  They are part of his DNA or they are alien to him.  I do know that if a woman thinks she can teach these qualities, or force them, she is sadly mistaken.  Men are who they are. 

“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.” – Natalie Wood

Dressing Barbie....

  I have a tendency towards digression.  I am easily distracted.  I have to sleep in quiet, watch movies in silence, work with earphones in and sit in a room alone when I'm on the phone.  And every time I am in Wal-Mart or Target and I'm cruising down the aisles scanning for the department I'm seeking, I pass that one aisle. I pass it too quickly and when I flash by it and it glows that rosy, silvery glow, I have to backtrack and digress....again.
  So, the last time I sneaked down "the pink aisle" to see what Barbie had goin on this season, I was actually sad. As it turns out, this season, Barbie is slutty. Well, let's be fair, it's not just Barbie. Most of our American Icons who are female dress like prostitutes. Fashion has taken a downturn and Mattel has followed suit. The Bratz dolls (I call them Slutz dolls) are worse, along with their knock-off counterparts. But that's not the saddest thing, it's the little girls I see running around scantily clad and completely unaware of what they are doing.  I'm talking about little girls, too.  Some of these girls are so young that I know their fathers would punch a man for leering at his child, yet they allow their daughters to leave the house dressed like they're ten years older than they are.  These children don't have JOBS, someone is buying them these clothes.  Why are parents so out of control?  Is it generational?  Are their mothers young and still dressing like teenagers?  I see it everywhere...even at church.  Little girls with short, tight, low-cut tops and low hung jeans and worse. It makes me sad to think of how unprepared some of these girls will be in the situations they will find themselves in from this lack of judgment.  Or lack of guidance.  They should be home playing with dolls.
  I grew up in a home with strict rules about modesty and what we were allowed to wear in public.  I didn't always like the rules, but I can say that the problems I encountered once I left home and started to dress however I wanted were problems that I was right not to inflict on my parents under their roof and on their dime. And they were real problems at times.
  There are so many possibilities with fashion that create an individual statement.  With so many characters available, why not choose a classy one?  You can be feminine and beautiful and strong and self-assured as Adventure Barbie, Executive Barbie, Musician Barbie, Poet Barbie....be all of them. Change it up. But make choices that will make you stronger and enable you to encourage the little girls in your life to raise their standards for themselves.

Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without discretion. - Proverbs 11:22