My intention is for this blog to piggyback on another blog I
read recently. Not as a rebuttal, but
just from a woman’s point of view. Here is the post I’m referring to:
I want to begin by clarifying that I do not believe that
cheating is a custom that men are more prone to. I don’t know what is true. In doing some online research, I could find
varying statistics based on multiple surveys and study groups and the numbers
bounced all over the charts as far as percentages of women vs. men who cheat
and the reasons why. But this is my blog
and I’m going to tell you what I think.
I’m not going to focus on why MEN cheat but rather on the things that
lead to infidelity by either partner. I’m
sure infidelity occurs in gay partnerships, too, so blaming a certain sex for
being more prolific at cheating is ridiculous. I’m going to talk about why people cheat.
1) The first reason
that comes to mind is that people are in relationships but they are not in
love. I think that in our society, the
definition of real love has become vague and distorted. Many couples get married very young and don’t
know how to identify real love. It
becomes more and more difficult to differentiate love from good sex when nowadays
so much emphasis is put on the two being one and the same. Some of us who have been married know that
real love requires a crazy amount of patience and sacrifice and
forgiveness. What it takes to hold a
relationship together even when our partner stops being ‘sexy’, (whether it’s
for an hour, a day or a really, really long time) is totally selfless,
unconditional love. That is no easy feat
for anybody except Jesus. Many couples
simply don’t realize until the really tough stuff comes along that they don’t
love each other enough to sacrifice that much for each other. They were really into the idea of being
married without understanding what it was really going to entail. The dizzy, mind-blowing romance and quickened
heartbeats become real-life trials and the foundation of the marriage becomes
so shaky that it no longer holds up in the face of temptation. Another kind of
relationship that falls short of true love is the kind where two people end up
getting married because it’s the ‘next logical step’ in a long-term
relationship. Maybe it has lasted a long
time because it has become comfortable and there’s a certain amount of security
they have come to rely on. But in a
marriage like that, it’s going to be difficult for one to NOT become consumed
and obsessed when something comes along that lights the heart and soul on
fire. It’s going to be difficult to
continue asking one’s self, “Is this as good as it gets?” They’re still going to be looking for
something better whether they realize it or not. So, real love. It doesn’t come along every day.
2) This leads me to
reason number two which is: poor role models.
I mean, really. I think that when
I was growing up I had maybe two friends whose parents were still married (to
each other.) Mine were. They still are. But I was in the low numbers,
statistically. I’m really surprised that
the traditional marriage vows ‘for better or worse, ‘til death do us part’ hasn’t
been replaced with ‘if this doesn’t work out, we will just get divorced.’ So many children have grown up in broken
homes and haven’t seen loyal, lasting relationships as the model of marriage,
that cheating doesn’t seem like such a serious offense. It’s almost something that is expected after
a certain length of time. Parents don’t
talk to their kids about drugs and sex anymore, let alone what it takes to make
a marriage last. Lack of good role
models has promoted the idea that staying married to the same person your whole
life is the stuff fairy tales are made of.
3) The third reason I
can think of is that many people suffer from ego and self-esteem issues. For men and women, many have the need to feel
as if they can still conquer. Because of
insecurities, they have to cheat to believe they’re still wanted and
desired. There is also the partner who
is presented with too many opportunities and the ego becomes so inflated that
passing up on these opportunities starts to seem like an impossible
choice. Point in fact: I have a friend
who was a bartender and he was a cute bartender. He had girls waving their number (and other
things) in his face right and left and he cheated right and left. It took a very forgiving, godly wife who had
strict Catholic beliefs about divorce not being an option to get him to wake up
and realize that just because it was THERE, didn’t mean he had to HAVE it. They are now happily married and their lives
have changed a lot since then, but in most situations it would have been the
end of the marriage. It’s common
practice for people to define themselves by the acceptance of others. Sad, really.
4) The fourth reason, and possibly the most lame:
boredom. When sex becomes an obligatory
routine and couples stop having fun together on a day to day basis, boredom
sets in. Couples lack imagination and
don’t make an effort to keep the fire lit and suddenly the excitement of
something different is too alluring to resist because they are so sick and
tired of what their marriage has become.
The reason why this is the worst excuse for cheating is that if you are
bored, you could just stop being so boring. How hard is it to Google some creative date
ideas if you’re too lame to think up your own?
How hard is it to call or text your significant other throughout the day
to let them know you’re thinking about them and hint at some really romantic
surprise later on? Send flowers. If you’re broke, write a poem for them. Call your spouse and sing the Thermos Bottle
song from The Jerk to them. Just because
it’s your spouse doesn’t mean you HAVE to quit dating or wooing each
other. I believe boredom is a
choice.
5) The fifth reason that comes to mind is revenge. It can be really easy to rationalize doing
something rotten to somebody if you think they’ve done something rotten to
you. It doesn’t even have to be revenge
for the other one actually cheating, it can be revenge for hurt feelings or
resentment because the spouse fails to deliver something the other expects or
feels entitled to. The problem with this
modus operandi is that it usually happens at the height of anger and
frustration with the other person. Unless
one is a truly vengeful person all the time, which admittedly some people are,
a cheater is going to feel really regretful later on upon realizing that what’s
been done is irreversible and lowers them to the same level as the offender, or
even lower. This is why vengeance
belongs to God alone. We just weren’t ever
intended to deliver it.
6) The sixth reason is kind of at the root of all 5 other
reasons. NO ACCOUNTABILITY. The couples who I see remaining loyal to each other
long-term, through thick and thin are grounded in their relationship with God. When cheating on a spouse isn’t illegal or
uncommon or even politically incorrect, it leaves people without a real reason NOT
to cheat. When a spouse does not consider
that his/her actions are offensive to GOD and there are no serious consequences
on the earth for cheating, the offense loses its seriousness. Society and the media portray extra-marital
affairs as part of life. Wives tolerate
and enable husbands who cheat out of fear of rocking the boat. Excuses like, “I deserve to be happy and he
isn’t making me happy” or “She won’t find out and it won’t hurt her” are used
to rationalize infidelity. When I look
at the great big stink that is being made from state to state over the
legalization of gay marriage, I am appalled that nobody wants to admit that the
obvious culprit in the destruction of the institution of marriage today is
infidelity. But are there any legal
ramifications for the cheater? Can
spouses take the cheater to court for breach of contract or fraud? It is not illegal to cheat on your
spouse. It is also unlikely that you
will find picketers outside a courthouse advocating for the victims of
infidelity (this would include any children involved) and encouraging the
judicial system to step in and make cheating even as much as a
misdemeanor. There are thousands of
people who wouldn’t consider having sex with an underage partner because of
statutory rape charges, but who wouldn’t have any fear of committing adultery. When cheating stopped
being immoral and started to be considered a simple, excusable mistake, marriages and families started
falling apart at record speed. Do I
think there will be an awakening and a change in the world? No.
Biblical prophecy is that society and its morals will continue to
decline and decay until Jesus comes again.
But as individuals, we have a choice to fall with the masses or rise like
cream to the top with the small number of people who put their spouses before
themselves and continue to love, honor and cherish…’til death do they part.
Song of Songs 2:2-6
He
2 Like a lily among thorns
is my darling among the young women.
She
3 Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
is my beloved among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
4 Let him lead me to the banquet hall,
and let his banner over me be love.
5 Strengthen me with raisins,
refresh me with apples,
for I am faint with love.
6 His left arm is under my head,
and his right arm embraces me.
