"I rock a lot of polka dots!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFKCOr8TtYY

Barbie girls understand. The quote from the end was priceless: "I'm about to pay my $800 ticket and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!"
Oh, how I love Jess.

6 Reasons Why Cheaters Cheat

My intention is for this blog to piggyback on another blog I read recently.  Not as a rebuttal, but just from a woman’s point of view. Here is the post I’m referring to:

http://www.lowladee.com/?p=4356

I want to begin by clarifying that I do not believe that cheating is a custom that men are more prone to.  I don’t know what is true.  In doing some online research, I could find varying statistics based on multiple surveys and study groups and the numbers bounced all over the charts as far as percentages of women vs. men who cheat and the reasons why.  But this is my blog and I’m going to tell you what I think.  I’m not going to focus on why MEN cheat but rather on the things that lead to infidelity by either partner.  I’m sure infidelity occurs in gay partnerships, too, so blaming a certain sex for being more prolific at cheating is ridiculous.  I’m going to talk about why people cheat.

1)  The first reason that comes to mind is that people are in relationships but they are not in love.  I think that in our society, the definition of real love has become vague and distorted.  Many couples get married very young and don’t know how to identify real love.  It becomes more and more difficult to differentiate love from good sex when nowadays so much emphasis is put on the two being one and the same.  Some of us who have been married know that real love requires a crazy amount of patience and sacrifice and forgiveness.  What it takes to hold a relationship together even when our partner stops being ‘sexy’, (whether it’s for an hour, a day or a really, really long time) is totally selfless, unconditional love.  That is no easy feat for anybody except Jesus.  Many couples simply don’t realize until the really tough stuff comes along that they don’t love each other enough to sacrifice that much for each other.  They were really into the idea of being married without understanding what it was really going to entail.  The dizzy, mind-blowing romance and quickened heartbeats become real-life trials and the foundation of the marriage becomes so shaky that it no longer holds up in the face of temptation. Another kind of relationship that falls short of true love is the kind where two people end up getting married because it’s the ‘next logical step’ in a long-term relationship.  Maybe it has lasted a long time because it has become comfortable and there’s a certain amount of security they have come to rely on.  But in a marriage like that, it’s going to be difficult for one to NOT become consumed and obsessed when something comes along that lights the heart and soul on fire.  It’s going to be difficult to continue asking one’s self, “Is this as good as it gets?”  They’re still going to be looking for something better whether they realize it or not. So, real love.  It doesn’t come along every day.

2)  This leads me to reason number two which is: poor role models.  I mean, really.  I think that when I was growing up I had maybe two friends whose parents were still married (to each other.)  Mine were.  They still are.  But I was in the low numbers, statistically.  I’m really surprised that the traditional marriage vows ‘for better or worse, ‘til death do us part’ hasn’t been replaced with ‘if this doesn’t work out, we will just get divorced.’  So many children have grown up in broken homes and haven’t seen loyal, lasting relationships as the model of marriage, that cheating doesn’t seem like such a serious offense.  It’s almost something that is expected after a certain length of time.  Parents don’t talk to their kids about drugs and sex anymore, let alone what it takes to make a marriage last.  Lack of good role models has promoted the idea that staying married to the same person your whole life is the stuff fairy tales are made of.

3)  The third reason I can think of is that many people suffer from ego and self-esteem issues.  For men and women, many have the need to feel as if they can still conquer.  Because of insecurities, they have to cheat to believe they’re still wanted and desired.  There is also the partner who is presented with too many opportunities and the ego becomes so inflated that passing up on these opportunities starts to seem like an impossible choice.  Point in fact: I have a friend who was a bartender and he was a cute bartender.  He had girls waving their number (and other things) in his face right and left and he cheated right and left.  It took a very forgiving, godly wife who had strict Catholic beliefs about divorce not being an option to get him to wake up and realize that just because it was THERE, didn’t mean he had to HAVE it.  They are now happily married and their lives have changed a lot since then, but in most situations it would have been the end of the marriage.  It’s common practice for people to define themselves by the acceptance of others.  Sad, really.

4) The fourth reason, and possibly the most lame: boredom.  When sex becomes an obligatory routine and couples stop having fun together on a day to day basis, boredom sets in.  Couples lack imagination and don’t make an effort to keep the fire lit and suddenly the excitement of something different is too alluring to resist because they are so sick and tired of what their marriage has become.  The reason why this is the worst excuse for cheating is that if you are bored, you could just stop being so boring.  How hard is it to Google some creative date ideas if you’re too lame to think up your own?  How hard is it to call or text your significant other throughout the day to let them know you’re thinking about them and hint at some really romantic surprise later on?  Send flowers.  If you’re broke, write a poem for them.  Call your spouse and sing the Thermos Bottle song from The Jerk to them.  Just because it’s your spouse doesn’t mean you HAVE to quit dating or wooing each other.  I believe boredom is a choice. 

5) The fifth reason that comes to mind is revenge.  It can be really easy to rationalize doing something rotten to somebody if you think they’ve done something rotten to you.  It doesn’t even have to be revenge for the other one actually cheating, it can be revenge for hurt feelings or resentment because the spouse fails to deliver something the other expects or feels entitled to.  The problem with this modus operandi is that it usually happens at the height of anger and frustration with the other person.  Unless one is a truly vengeful person all the time, which admittedly some people are, a cheater is going to feel really regretful later on upon realizing that what’s been done is irreversible and lowers them to the same level as the offender, or even lower.  This is why vengeance belongs to God alone.  We just weren’t ever intended to deliver it.

6) The sixth reason is kind of at the root of all 5 other reasons. NO ACCOUNTABILITY. The couples who I see remaining loyal to each other long-term, through thick and thin are grounded in their relationship with God.  When cheating on a spouse isn’t illegal or uncommon or even politically incorrect, it leaves people without a real reason NOT to cheat.  When a spouse does not consider that his/her actions are offensive to GOD and there are no serious consequences on the earth for cheating, the offense loses its seriousness.  Society and the media portray extra-marital affairs as part of life.  Wives tolerate and enable husbands who cheat out of fear of rocking the boat.  Excuses like, “I deserve to be happy and he isn’t making me happy” or “She won’t find out and it won’t hurt her” are used to rationalize infidelity.  When I look at the great big stink that is being made from state to state over the legalization of gay marriage, I am appalled that nobody wants to admit that the obvious culprit in the destruction of the institution of marriage today is infidelity.  But are there any legal ramifications for the cheater?  Can spouses take the cheater to court for breach of contract or fraud?  It is not illegal to cheat on your spouse.  It is also unlikely that you will find picketers outside a courthouse advocating for the victims of infidelity (this would include any children involved) and encouraging the judicial system to step in and make cheating even as much as a misdemeanor.  There are thousands of people who wouldn’t consider having sex with an underage partner because of statutory rape charges, but who wouldn’t have any fear of committing adultery.  When cheating stopped being immoral and started to be considered a simple, excusable  mistake, marriages and families started falling apart at record speed.  Do I think there will be an awakening and a change in the world?  No.  Biblical prophecy is that society and its morals will continue to decline and decay until Jesus comes again.  But as individuals, we have a choice to fall with the masses or rise like cream to the top with the small number of people who put their spouses before themselves and continue to love, honor and cherish…’til death do they part.

Song of Songs 2:2-6

He

² Like a lily among thorns
is my darling among the young women.

She

³ Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
is my beloved among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
⁴ Let him lead me to the banquet hall,
and let his banner over me be love.
⁵ Strengthen me with raisins,
refresh me with apples,
for I am faint with love.
⁶ His left arm is under my head,
and his right arm embraces me.

Radical

Because of the subject matter of this blog entry, I considered changing the title of my blog.  I’m not going to.  Its conception was the inspiration for me to begin examining life in this country for a woman like me.  I believe anything I write will follow this vein.  But for the sake of understanding, Jesus is my spirit guide.  Let me tell you about where that has led my thinking.

Some time ago, probably a little over 2 years ago, I made friends online with Kazeem, a guy from Nigeria. That in itself is a whole different story, but let me just say that our friendship grew in a really cool way.  I was exposed to a new culture in a very personal way with a teacher and guide who really opened my eyes to his country.  In the process, I made several friends in Nigeria because you know how it is on Facebook….the friends begat more friends and so on.  Over this time, my heart has grown more and more for Nigeria.  I have spent hours combing the internet for articles and press releases, history and socio-economic information, political and religious commentary and studies of the tribes that comprise Nigeria’s population. And the music! The music makes me deliriously happy.  I’m a total music junkie as it is, and a whole new world of sound opened up for me when I got hungry for Nigerian music. I realized after awhile that I really have a heart for these people.  I’ve seen some things I envy and I’ve learned that I take a lot for granted.  I don’t want to take things for granted anymore.  I try to catch myself these days when I find myself whining with entitlement issues because I am being deprived of a luxury that some people manage to live without day in and day out.    It hasn’t taken long for me to swallow enough information to start feeling like Nigeria was part of my fabric.  Which is crazy for a career-oriented single (white) mom in Arizona, isn’t it?  I thought it was crazy enough to ask God why He was laying Nigeria so heavily on my heart.

I became anxious for an opportunity to visit Nigeria and to serve the people in some way.  I don’t mean in a super hero “I’m out to change the world” kind of way, but in a “help the face God puts in front of me today” way.   So, I prayed.  I spent a couple of hours on the internet searching for short-term missions to Nigeria and found an opportunity to go with Caribbean Lifetime Missions to an orphanage outside of Lagos this coming August.  It sounds perfect.  It sounds like something I would love to do.  So, I went to talk to the missions leader at my church.  We talked for about an hour and he encouraged me to pray for a couple of months, sincerely, for confirmation from God that this is something I should go and do.  He told me that because I have dear friends in Nigeria, I could be emotionally connecting and feeling drawn and I should be sure that the timing and the plan are God’s perfect timing and plans.  He gave me a really good book to read, too, called Radical by David Platt and I’m starting to see life differently as a Christian.  I risk falling into contentment with my average little life if I don’t get out of this place and bring some love to the unloved and show the face of Christ to people who are oppressed and unaware of the love and peace that I have come to know.  I have come to know it and that is not enough for me.

“But then I realize there is never going to be a day when I stand before God and He looks at me and says, 'I wish you would have kept more for yourself.' I'm confident that God will take care of me.”
― David Platt, Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream

 If after 2 months of prayer, I feel led to serve in Nigeria RIGHT NOW, I will go back and talk to the missions leader again and start talking about fundraising for the $3,500-$4,000 I will need to raise to make it happen.

For the past few years, I haven’t exactly spent a lot of time looking at my life like it was a hunky-dory, pretty picture of the American dream.  I’m not looking for trials because I feel spoiled.  The man I love has been imprisoned for a crime he did not commit.  This has not been an easy trial to endure as I wait the four years for his freedom. While my heart breaks every time I walk away from visitation once a month, my spirit has strengthened in this process.  I have seen God work in my life in a way I never would have seen if I had not chosen this path.  I have had to draw closer to Him in my loneliness and the pain at watching my fiance’ endure these years behind bars. Every time I’ve cried out, He has drawn me near and surrounded me with loving friends and family who are supportive and never let me feel really alone.  Now, my child is a teenager and that itself brings a whole new stress level to my role as his mother.  But I am seeing the Lord work in his life, too, as he struggles with the choices he has to make and as he is pulled more and more toward the world and away from a walk with Christ. I know he is destined to experience all the same kinds of painful trials that finally brought me to a realization that I needed a savior.  I have prayed and prayed that I would not protect him too much because it looks like he is going to make some mistakes and suffer some consequences before he gets to a point of sufficient humility. I just have to have faith in what I have already done to teach him and hope he gets wise before he’s destroyed.  Does every mother have to come to terms with the same?  Probably.

Every experience in the past 5 years from divorce to bankruptcy and foreclosure, unemployment, financial struggles due to expensive traffic violations & medical bills, a long prison term for the one I love – every experience has strengthened the fiber between me and God.  I have realized that He is going to allow me to suffer, but not be destroyed.  When the trials come now, I have learned to go straight to my knees and ask God what He is going to do in my life now that I’ve given it to Him and rely on Him to preserve it.  And He never fails me.  So, while I know my life has its own troubles, I have really seen that the condition we Americans are in is still far better than the condition some of the citizens of the world are in every single day.  I’m not so steeped in American apathy that I don’t see that there is a whole world out there in pain, outside my door and across the globe. When I hear somebody crying about their internet service being slow or the long line at the grocery store or the gas pump I want to tell them to quit complaining and go buy something else… because they can, and they most likely will.

I’m going to be praying for Nigeria.  I am going to be praying that the Lord will make it known to me if He wants me to go and serve there.  I am going to have faith that if the doors open, it’s His will and that if they don’t, I am meant to be a loyal friend and prayer warrior for the people in Nigeria.  Maybe God’s will is for me and my sweetheart to spend some years in ministry together someday and His perfect timing is just not now.  I am prepared to accept any answer He gives me and I know He will answer me.  Even if I don’t leave the country any time soon, I have begun to think about living a life that makes a mark on this crazy world.  I told my friend, Kazeem, “If I go and spend a week with those kids in that orphanage, I will fall in love with them and cry when I have to leave.”  He answered me, “Yes, you will. But you could make a difference that could last their whole life.”  

The measure of a life, after all, is not its duration, but its donation.  - Corrie Ten Boom