Radical

Because of the subject matter of this blog entry, I considered changing the title of my blog.  I’m not going to.  Its conception was the inspiration for me to begin examining life in this country for a woman like me.  I believe anything I write will follow this vein.  But for the sake of understanding, Jesus is my spirit guide.  Let me tell you about where that has led my thinking.

Some time ago, probably a little over 2 years ago, I made friends online with Kazeem, a guy from Nigeria. That in itself is a whole different story, but let me just say that our friendship grew in a really cool way.  I was exposed to a new culture in a very personal way with a teacher and guide who really opened my eyes to his country.  In the process, I made several friends in Nigeria because you know how it is on Facebook….the friends begat more friends and so on.  Over this time, my heart has grown more and more for Nigeria.  I have spent hours combing the internet for articles and press releases, history and socio-economic information, political and religious commentary and studies of the tribes that comprise Nigeria’s population. And the music! The music makes me deliriously happy.  I’m a total music junkie as it is, and a whole new world of sound opened up for me when I got hungry for Nigerian music. I realized after awhile that I really have a heart for these people.  I’ve seen some things I envy and I’ve learned that I take a lot for granted.  I don’t want to take things for granted anymore.  I try to catch myself these days when I find myself whining with entitlement issues because I am being deprived of a luxury that some people manage to live without day in and day out.    It hasn’t taken long for me to swallow enough information to start feeling like Nigeria was part of my fabric.  Which is crazy for a career-oriented single (white) mom in Arizona, isn’t it?  I thought it was crazy enough to ask God why He was laying Nigeria so heavily on my heart.

I became anxious for an opportunity to visit Nigeria and to serve the people in some way.  I don’t mean in a super hero “I’m out to change the world” kind of way, but in a “help the face God puts in front of me today” way.   So, I prayed.  I spent a couple of hours on the internet searching for short-term missions to Nigeria and found an opportunity to go with Caribbean Lifetime Missions to an orphanage outside of Lagos this coming August.  It sounds perfect.  It sounds like something I would love to do.  So, I went to talk to the missions leader at my church.  We talked for about an hour and he encouraged me to pray for a couple of months, sincerely, for confirmation from God that this is something I should go and do.  He told me that because I have dear friends in Nigeria, I could be emotionally connecting and feeling drawn and I should be sure that the timing and the plan are God’s perfect timing and plans.  He gave me a really good book to read, too, called Radical by David Platt and I’m starting to see life differently as a Christian.  I risk falling into contentment with my average little life if I don’t get out of this place and bring some love to the unloved and show the face of Christ to people who are oppressed and unaware of the love and peace that I have come to know.  I have come to know it and that is not enough for me.

“But then I realize there is never going to be a day when I stand before God and He looks at me and says, 'I wish you would have kept more for yourself.' I'm confident that God will take care of me.”
― David Platt, Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream

 If after 2 months of prayer, I feel led to serve in Nigeria RIGHT NOW, I will go back and talk to the missions leader again and start talking about fundraising for the $3,500-$4,000 I will need to raise to make it happen.

For the past few years, I haven’t exactly spent a lot of time looking at my life like it was a hunky-dory, pretty picture of the American dream.  I’m not looking for trials because I feel spoiled.  The man I love has been imprisoned for a crime he did not commit.  This has not been an easy trial to endure as I wait the four years for his freedom. While my heart breaks every time I walk away from visitation once a month, my spirit has strengthened in this process.  I have seen God work in my life in a way I never would have seen if I had not chosen this path.  I have had to draw closer to Him in my loneliness and the pain at watching my fiance’ endure these years behind bars. Every time I’ve cried out, He has drawn me near and surrounded me with loving friends and family who are supportive and never let me feel really alone.  Now, my child is a teenager and that itself brings a whole new stress level to my role as his mother.  But I am seeing the Lord work in his life, too, as he struggles with the choices he has to make and as he is pulled more and more toward the world and away from a walk with Christ. I know he is destined to experience all the same kinds of painful trials that finally brought me to a realization that I needed a savior.  I have prayed and prayed that I would not protect him too much because it looks like he is going to make some mistakes and suffer some consequences before he gets to a point of sufficient humility. I just have to have faith in what I have already done to teach him and hope he gets wise before he’s destroyed.  Does every mother have to come to terms with the same?  Probably.

Every experience in the past 5 years from divorce to bankruptcy and foreclosure, unemployment, financial struggles due to expensive traffic violations & medical bills, a long prison term for the one I love – every experience has strengthened the fiber between me and God.  I have realized that He is going to allow me to suffer, but not be destroyed.  When the trials come now, I have learned to go straight to my knees and ask God what He is going to do in my life now that I’ve given it to Him and rely on Him to preserve it.  And He never fails me.  So, while I know my life has its own troubles, I have really seen that the condition we Americans are in is still far better than the condition some of the citizens of the world are in every single day.  I’m not so steeped in American apathy that I don’t see that there is a whole world out there in pain, outside my door and across the globe. When I hear somebody crying about their internet service being slow or the long line at the grocery store or the gas pump I want to tell them to quit complaining and go buy something else… because they can, and they most likely will.

I’m going to be praying for Nigeria.  I am going to be praying that the Lord will make it known to me if He wants me to go and serve there.  I am going to have faith that if the doors open, it’s His will and that if they don’t, I am meant to be a loyal friend and prayer warrior for the people in Nigeria.  Maybe God’s will is for me and my sweetheart to spend some years in ministry together someday and His perfect timing is just not now.  I am prepared to accept any answer He gives me and I know He will answer me.  Even if I don’t leave the country any time soon, I have begun to think about living a life that makes a mark on this crazy world.  I told my friend, Kazeem, “If I go and spend a week with those kids in that orphanage, I will fall in love with them and cry when I have to leave.”  He answered me, “Yes, you will. But you could make a difference that could last their whole life.”  

The measure of a life, after all, is not its duration, but its donation.  - Corrie Ten Boom