6 Reasons Why Cheaters Cheat

My intention is for this blog to piggyback on another blog I read recently.  Not as a rebuttal, but just from a woman’s point of view. Here is the post I’m referring to:

http://www.lowladee.com/?p=4356

I want to begin by clarifying that I do not believe that cheating is a custom that men are more prone to.  I don’t know what is true.  In doing some online research, I could find varying statistics based on multiple surveys and study groups and the numbers bounced all over the charts as far as percentages of women vs. men who cheat and the reasons why.  But this is my blog and I’m going to tell you what I think.  I’m not going to focus on why MEN cheat but rather on the things that lead to infidelity by either partner.  I’m sure infidelity occurs in gay partnerships, too, so blaming a certain sex for being more prolific at cheating is ridiculous.  I’m going to talk about why people cheat.

1)  The first reason that comes to mind is that people are in relationships but they are not in love.  I think that in our society, the definition of real love has become vague and distorted.  Many couples get married very young and don’t know how to identify real love.  It becomes more and more difficult to differentiate love from good sex when nowadays so much emphasis is put on the two being one and the same.  Some of us who have been married know that real love requires a crazy amount of patience and sacrifice and forgiveness.  What it takes to hold a relationship together even when our partner stops being ‘sexy’, (whether it’s for an hour, a day or a really, really long time) is totally selfless, unconditional love.  That is no easy feat for anybody except Jesus.  Many couples simply don’t realize until the really tough stuff comes along that they don’t love each other enough to sacrifice that much for each other.  They were really into the idea of being married without understanding what it was really going to entail.  The dizzy, mind-blowing romance and quickened heartbeats become real-life trials and the foundation of the marriage becomes so shaky that it no longer holds up in the face of temptation. Another kind of relationship that falls short of true love is the kind where two people end up getting married because it’s the ‘next logical step’ in a long-term relationship.  Maybe it has lasted a long time because it has become comfortable and there’s a certain amount of security they have come to rely on.  But in a marriage like that, it’s going to be difficult for one to NOT become consumed and obsessed when something comes along that lights the heart and soul on fire.  It’s going to be difficult to continue asking one’s self, “Is this as good as it gets?”  They’re still going to be looking for something better whether they realize it or not. So, real love.  It doesn’t come along every day.

2)  This leads me to reason number two which is: poor role models.  I mean, really.  I think that when I was growing up I had maybe two friends whose parents were still married (to each other.)  Mine were.  They still are.  But I was in the low numbers, statistically.  I’m really surprised that the traditional marriage vows ‘for better or worse, ‘til death do us part’ hasn’t been replaced with ‘if this doesn’t work out, we will just get divorced.’  So many children have grown up in broken homes and haven’t seen loyal, lasting relationships as the model of marriage, that cheating doesn’t seem like such a serious offense.  It’s almost something that is expected after a certain length of time.  Parents don’t talk to their kids about drugs and sex anymore, let alone what it takes to make a marriage last.  Lack of good role models has promoted the idea that staying married to the same person your whole life is the stuff fairy tales are made of.

3)  The third reason I can think of is that many people suffer from ego and self-esteem issues.  For men and women, many have the need to feel as if they can still conquer.  Because of insecurities, they have to cheat to believe they’re still wanted and desired.  There is also the partner who is presented with too many opportunities and the ego becomes so inflated that passing up on these opportunities starts to seem like an impossible choice.  Point in fact: I have a friend who was a bartender and he was a cute bartender.  He had girls waving their number (and other things) in his face right and left and he cheated right and left.  It took a very forgiving, godly wife who had strict Catholic beliefs about divorce not being an option to get him to wake up and realize that just because it was THERE, didn’t mean he had to HAVE it.  They are now happily married and their lives have changed a lot since then, but in most situations it would have been the end of the marriage.  It’s common practice for people to define themselves by the acceptance of others.  Sad, really.

4) The fourth reason, and possibly the most lame: boredom.  When sex becomes an obligatory routine and couples stop having fun together on a day to day basis, boredom sets in.  Couples lack imagination and don’t make an effort to keep the fire lit and suddenly the excitement of something different is too alluring to resist because they are so sick and tired of what their marriage has become.  The reason why this is the worst excuse for cheating is that if you are bored, you could just stop being so boring.  How hard is it to Google some creative date ideas if you’re too lame to think up your own?  How hard is it to call or text your significant other throughout the day to let them know you’re thinking about them and hint at some really romantic surprise later on?  Send flowers.  If you’re broke, write a poem for them.  Call your spouse and sing the Thermos Bottle song from The Jerk to them.  Just because it’s your spouse doesn’t mean you HAVE to quit dating or wooing each other.  I believe boredom is a choice. 

5) The fifth reason that comes to mind is revenge.  It can be really easy to rationalize doing something rotten to somebody if you think they’ve done something rotten to you.  It doesn’t even have to be revenge for the other one actually cheating, it can be revenge for hurt feelings or resentment because the spouse fails to deliver something the other expects or feels entitled to.  The problem with this modus operandi is that it usually happens at the height of anger and frustration with the other person.  Unless one is a truly vengeful person all the time, which admittedly some people are, a cheater is going to feel really regretful later on upon realizing that what’s been done is irreversible and lowers them to the same level as the offender, or even lower.  This is why vengeance belongs to God alone.  We just weren’t ever intended to deliver it.

6) The sixth reason is kind of at the root of all 5 other reasons. NO ACCOUNTABILITY. The couples who I see remaining loyal to each other long-term, through thick and thin are grounded in their relationship with God.  When cheating on a spouse isn’t illegal or uncommon or even politically incorrect, it leaves people without a real reason NOT to cheat.  When a spouse does not consider that his/her actions are offensive to GOD and there are no serious consequences on the earth for cheating, the offense loses its seriousness.  Society and the media portray extra-marital affairs as part of life.  Wives tolerate and enable husbands who cheat out of fear of rocking the boat.  Excuses like, “I deserve to be happy and he isn’t making me happy” or “She won’t find out and it won’t hurt her” are used to rationalize infidelity.  When I look at the great big stink that is being made from state to state over the legalization of gay marriage, I am appalled that nobody wants to admit that the obvious culprit in the destruction of the institution of marriage today is infidelity.  But are there any legal ramifications for the cheater?  Can spouses take the cheater to court for breach of contract or fraud?  It is not illegal to cheat on your spouse.  It is also unlikely that you will find picketers outside a courthouse advocating for the victims of infidelity (this would include any children involved) and encouraging the judicial system to step in and make cheating even as much as a misdemeanor.  There are thousands of people who wouldn’t consider having sex with an underage partner because of statutory rape charges, but who wouldn’t have any fear of committing adultery.  When cheating stopped being immoral and started to be considered a simple, excusable  mistake, marriages and families started falling apart at record speed.  Do I think there will be an awakening and a change in the world?  No.  Biblical prophecy is that society and its morals will continue to decline and decay until Jesus comes again.  But as individuals, we have a choice to fall with the masses or rise like cream to the top with the small number of people who put their spouses before themselves and continue to love, honor and cherish…’til death do they part.

Song of Songs 2:2-6

He

² Like a lily among thorns
is my darling among the young women.

She

³ Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
is my beloved among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
⁴ Let him lead me to the banquet hall,
and let his banner over me be love.
⁵ Strengthen me with raisins,
refresh me with apples,
for I am faint with love.
⁶ His left arm is under my head,
and his right arm embraces me.